Learning to Stop Pushing Through

After I had open heart surgery at the age of four, there was this sense that I was “better” and healed, and could do anything anyone else could do. People perceived me as stronger, capable, “doing fine”…but that rarely matched what I felt inside.

Obviously, there was some healing that happened because of the surgery, and I was better in certain ways, but honestly – I have spent my entire life fighting, pushing through, trying and often failing, to do things that others could do. Things I thought I should be able to do.

I spent decades learning to hide it. To give excuses. I learned to push through, even when I should have been resting. And then I felt shame when I needed to rest. And I felt frustration. I developed depression.

In my teen and young adult years, I just simply kept pushing, hiding behind the mask of “wellness”, even though I was not well. I prayed a lot for strength and the ability to keep going, keep up with my peers, and to have enough energy to do all the things I wanted to do. And when I didn’t really have that energy, I often did those things anyway.

Becoming a mother was a difficult journey, and then the physical tasks of mothering, housekeeping, wife-ing, and running a small business meant that I continued to “push through”. I was definitely able to be more honest with my husband and children, and the kids grew up in a home learning grace and compassion because of my difficulties, But I know there were times when my frustration overwhelmed me, and even caused trauma for my kids. I regret those moments, but know I was doing the best that I knew how.

Fast forward to age 50, and I was struggling more and more with the “pushing through”. We ended up at an appointment with a cardiologist, and there was a moment when she was asking what my limitations were, and if I did this or if I did that. I shrugged and said, “no, not really, those kinds of activities are just so hard for me, so I don’t”. And she looked me straight in the eyes and said, “of course they are”. My eyes filled with tears as I realized I had been waiting nearly 50 years for validation, especially from a doctor. After further discussion about how I often would push through, but it was getting harder and harder to do that, she went on to say, “You can’t push through anymore. You just can’t.”

For years, I thought pushing through was strength. Now I know that strength sometimes looks like stopping. It looks like rest. It looks like allowing God to meet me in my limitations and to envelop me with HIS strength. Over the last few years, I’ve embraced “not pushing through”, and resting when I need it, and learning to let go of shame and frustration. It’s not been an overnight fix, by any means, and I still struggle daily with working within my limitations.

But God is so good, and He was there, patiently helping me through all the decades when I tried to do things in my own strength, and He’s been here to help me as I adjust to doing things in HIS strength. I think of the verse in 2nd Corinthians – “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2nd Corinthians 12:9). So thankful for his grace and for his power, and what my weakness shows about Him.

So, I’m finding a new rhythm. A slowness. Stillness and rest. I’m learning that I’m still loved, and lovable, even when I can’t perform at a certain level. God still delights in what I have to offer, even if it’s less than I prefer. His grace fills the gaps and His power is made perfect in my weakness.

And if you feel invisible in your pain, I see you. God sees you. If you feel shame when you can’t do what you want to do, or think you should do, remember God’s grace and power.

We don’t have to push through.

We don’t have to earn rest. It’s already ours.

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